you know, the holidays can really blow.
there’s all the planning and the shopping, all the parties and the late nights. then there’s the depression guised as “nostalgia” but, really, it’s plain sadness . because, you know, things aren’t the way they used to be.
three years ago, i spent my first thanksgiving alone. that’s when i decided to move to san francisco. i always say, ” it’s the best decision i’ve ever made,” 6 days ago i decided to move to new york. i guess i don’t like giving things time to become “the way it is.”
i’m learning Thankfulness is just as much a discipline as patience or sit-ups or a clean kitchen. it’s too easy to give into the sadness. there are dead siblings and friends with CF and parents who live far away, there are rainy days and unpaid bills and so many unknowns. yet, there is enough. my Mom calls this, Grace for the moment.
sometimes i miss being broke, like overdrawn account broke, can’t pay rent kinda broke. those seasons were spent meditating on Matthew 6: “…do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?” there’s something magical about living day to day instead of paycheck to paycheck.
the other night, i thought to write a letter to each of my aunts and uncles. they looked like college assignments, ruled paper and blue ink, some went on for 4 pages, others kept brief. i spent hours writing them, which meant hours thinking about childhood and remembering little details like rolos on kitchen tables or the smell of rose-scented perfume. at the end of it, i felt closer to mastering thankfulness. at the end of it, i was glad there was a “way it used to be.”